'Feminism Betrayal': Why Childless Women Feel Betrayed by Feminism?

British author Jody Day wrote an article about her experience as a woman reaching her mid-forties without children.

Day believed, like many, that there were two paths to childlessness: either by choice (“child-free”) or due to infertility. However, it is estimated that 80 percent of women without children are “childless by circumstance.”

This figure is supported by Dr. Renske Keizer, a professor at Erasmus University Rotterdam.

In a 2010 meta-analysis of data from the Netherlands and the US, It is estimated that 10 percent of women without children are childless by choice, another 10 percent for medical reasons, and the remaining 80 percent by circumstance.

Applied to UK statistics, this suggests that nearly 1.5 million women in their forties and fifties are childless, with only 10 percent of these cases being by clear choice.

Childless Years

As a teenager and young woman, Day was against having children, influenced by her mother’s experience of having her “out of wedlock” at 18.

When she became pregnant at 20, unprepared for motherhood, Day chose to have an abortion, a decision she says that she does not regret.

At 26, Day married and told her husband she didn’t want children. She recalls that this was a conversation she should have explored more deeply.

Day changed her mind at 29, but unfortunately, she later discovered she was unable to conceive, diagnosed with “unexplained infertility.”

Day recalls her thirties were marked by hope, pain, and various alternative treatments.

Day eventually ended her marriage, and she had her next venture into the world of internet dating at 40, hoping to find a partner for IVF. After two failed relationships, Day gave up.

One of the hardest reasons for childlessness to accept is never having been in a suitable relationship.

Reflecting on her journey, she realized that even if given another chance, she would have chosen to experience motherhood. 

Day founded Gateway Women, a network for childless women, helping women diverse paths to a meaningful and fulfilling life beyond motherhood.

Seven years after coming to terms with not becoming a mother, Day says that she has emerged from the depths of grief as a wiser and more compassionate individual. 

Supporting other women has been profoundly rewarding. One woman told her, “If you’d been a mum, you could never have helped as many people as you have.” Her words made her pause and reflect. “You saved my life,” she added.

Deep Regret

Melissa Persling, a former American feminist, said she felt “betrayed by feminism” after she decided that she wanted to settle down and start a family and a husband.

When she approached her 39th birthday, Melissa broke down describing how she feared she would end up alone and without children.

Persling's story began when she was 22 years old. She married in a traditional marriage and moved to a rural community in Idaho.

Her husband wanted a simple life with children and “home-cooked meals.” However, she explained to him that “she never wanted children” and that she preferred to “follow her dreams.”

Persling spoke frankly: “At that time, I felt strongly that I did not want children, and that I would not be like a traditional wife. I knew that I wanted to pursue a professional life, and I also became upset when he would ask for dinner or do his laundry.”

At the age of 30, Persling and her ex-husband separated; She swore she would never marry again, and as she grew older; she began a playful, non-conformist life; which included staying up at nightclubs, drinking alcohol, using drugs, and having casual sexual relationships, it began to become very boring.

When she reached the age of 38, terror and fear began to take over, and she entered a state of panic, fearing to die alone.

“I told my friends and family I'd never get married again. I needed independence, a fulfilling career, and space to chart my own course, and I didn't think marriage fit into that vision. I was content to look toward a future without a husband, children, or the trappings of ‘traditional’ life,” Persling wrote.

According to Persling, of all the institutions inherited from the past, none has faced more scrutiny and rejection from feminism than the family.

Many feminists argue that the demands of motherhood today are far heavier than those shouldered by previous generations, exacerbated by long working hours and the stigma attached to the role of housewife. 

It's hardly surprising, then, that the birth rate has seen a significant decline.

One friend shared a poignant reflection: she had been conditioned to avoid burdens, particularly children, until she had firmly established her career. Now, facing the harsh reality of age, she lamented that her "boat had sailed."

This sentiment resonates deeply with another account of a woman grappling with depression.

She recounted hosting a 20-year-old student in her home, who, after a week of dating, opposed the notion of delaying marriage and children until after 30. “In short, my student wanted to live her life like a normal woman,” she observed.

In her concluding remarks, Persling critiqued the version of feminism she was raised on, which she believes taught women to discredit men.

This, she argues, is a grave mistake that has come at a high cost for her generation.

White calls for a cultural reset, asserting that while it may be too late for her and her contemporaries, it is imperative to prevent feminism from adversely impacting future generations.

Feminism 'Betrayal'

In a recent Radio 4 segment on IVF infertility treatments, followed by the Panorama program “Inside Britain’s Fertility Business,” the profound struggles of women yearning for children were brought to light.

These women often endure costly, invasive, and frequently unproven procedures in their quest for motherhood, with success remaining elusive.

Australian novelist Julia Leigh vividly recounts her own harrowing journey in her book “Avalanche: A Love Story.”

Leigh’s narrative captures the emotional rollercoaster of raised and dashed hopes, ultimately leading to her acceptance that she will never have children.

She poignantly concludes with a commitment to “love widely and intensely,” redirecting the love she had hoped to give her own child.

Leigh’s experience mirrors that of countless women who, having prioritized careers and relationships in their 20s and 30s, find themselves grappling with waning fertility and a deep-seated desire for motherhood. This reflection raises questions about the dual-edged sword of modern feminism.

While it has afforded women unprecedented career opportunities and financial independence, it has also, in some ways, failed them. Previous generations, who led more traditional lives with modest ambitions, perhaps faced less anxiety.

Leigh’s story, marked by career success and personal loss, underscores a broader societal issue.

As women navigate the complexities of modern life, the balance between professional aspirations and personal fulfillment remains a challenging and deeply personal journey.